I made all of three entries before I abandoned the project, as it was getting mighty cheesy, but here it is.

Soul Walking

The first walk

head toward the sun

I sat at the small table, along the dimly lit wall in the diner, for at least five minutes, waiting for the waitress to stop her good- natured flirting with the odd little man at the counter. The only thing I wanted was a cup of steaming hot coffee, the only thing I’ve been thinking about non-stop for the last few hours.  A cup of coffee on a rainy night like this suited my mood just fine, just fine.

Walking on the side of the road in a constant drizzle had worn me out. It was a warm, summer drizzle that went on all day. Even though I was soaked to the bone, it didn’t matter, it was part of life, nature running it’s course. My left boot made a funny squeaking sound as I slid my foot up and down the leg of the table, trying to get the blood flowing. I don’t know how far I’d actually walked, it didn’t feel like many miles at first, but now that I’ve stopped for a spell, I realize my poor dogs are aching badly. No worries.. there’ll be time to rest them properly later.

I’m glad I finally made it to this brightly lit oasis along the highway, and it felt good to get out of the rain for a while. There wasn’t a spot on me that’s dry, I’m really in need of a warm change of clothes, but I don’t care much about anything right now. Big deal, I’m wet.

Toward the sun.. that’s the direction I took when I started the walk, I just started walking toward the sun. That was the only destination I came up with late last night, and that was more than enough direction I need right now. Even though I now realize that I am ill-prepared for the walk I started, I was content in the fact that at least it was underway, The decision was made, the first steps were taken, and that was enough. No time to sit around talking myself out of it as I’d done a million times before.

This time, I found whatever it was inside me that I needed to give myself the reason, or at least, the permission, to start walking. The longest trips start with one step I reminded myself, laughing over the fact that I’d just used such a tired old saying again. My life has always been peppered with old sayings, old wive’s tales, words of wisdom from a long dead man.

I heard the squeak of her shoes on the greasy tile floor as she approached, her hand rummaging around in her pocket for her pen. I glanced up and offered a weak smile. Coffee, strong and black please. That’s all I want right now, and she went off to get it, squeaking  like a mouse as she went. She had offered me a cautious half smile, and for a moment, it almost made me feel good. Almost. It’s going to take a lot more than a shy smile from a stranger to make me feel good. It’s a start I guess. After a few minutes, a squeaking shoe and a rattling cup on a saucer was music to my ears. “Here you go hun, I made it this week” she teased as she poured it right up to the rim, so high that I’d never get a drop of cream in there if I wanted to.

I cleared my throat, grunting out “Thanks, that looks good”. She told me her name, Mona, as she started to describe today’s specials, and it struck me that I don’t think I ever actually met a Mona before. “Mona, that’s a nice name, an old fashioned name you don’t hear too often” I offered, trying to make a pathetic attempt at small talk. “Thanks, but my last name is bad, real bad. Debona. Yep, Mona Debona. My parents were insane, I swear” she said with a laugh. I couldn’t help but offer a tired grin. I guess with a name like that, you’ve got to be pretty friendly, or the world would eat you alive. Humor was her way of disarming things when people got heated up over something, which was the same way I deal with things when they get out of control. Laugh it off and it doesn’t look as bad as it really is. It worked like a charm up to this point in my life.

“Thanks Mona, this coffee is all I need right now.” “You sure you don’t want anything else?” she asked. “No, really, I’m fine” I replied. My voice gave a hint to the exhaustion that was now settling in on me, now that I’m sitting still for a bit. She shot me a half- hearted smile and squeaked back to her man-friend at the counter, leaving me to sit alone. I enjoyed this cup of coffee more than any I’d ever tasted. Or maybe it just felt like it, because it was different. Strangely familiar I guess. I sucked the steamy aroma deep into my soul. It was a comfortable smell, it felt safe for a moment.

I half closed my eyes as I savored the moment, relishing the simple things life had to offer. As I’m staring out the window, watching the drizzling rain playing in the light across the road, I tried to sort out why the hell I was sitting here right now. But I was too tired to think straight. Tomorrow.. I’ll deal with it tomorrow. With another long sip, I felt it settle down deep into my chest, warming my belly. It’s a token gesture towards comfort on a night like this, but it suits me fine, just fine.

Walk 2

Maybe I’ll find a circus and stay a spell

Why did I leave? I heard myself ask that question in my head, it was repeated over and over as I walked along this rough piece of highway. I have a well rehearsed answer to that question, but I’ll let you in on the real reason later. In the meantime, would you believe I left because someone left the door open and I said to myself “why not?”

Truthfully, I don’t know for sure. But last night, I decided to invoke my right to use an often heard, but seldom used, tired old cliche. “Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” It’s along the same line as “Boys will be boys”, but seemed a little more appropriate. It’s almost laughable, but really, that’s the only answer I could come up with, either good or bad. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Where am I running to?  That’s a real good question. I’m not so sure if I’m running towards something, or if I’m running away. Maybe one or the other, maybe both, who knows, I sure as hell don’t. After thinking about it for a while, I guess you could say I’m trying to run away. Not away from anyone, or anything in particular, but just away. Away to somewhere, anywhere but here. Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and this man heard the words RUN AWAY inside my head, I heard it over and over, each time a little louder until the noise was deafening.

I heard a lot of other things too, but those were the words that were the loudest, so those are the one’s I’m going to follow. Yup, I’m running away. If I happen across a circus as I travel along, maybe I’ll join them and travel around the country a bit. I mean, when you run away, it’s always to join a circus, right? And who am I to question any of the odd rules other people use to guide them in life? No one can dance around all crazy- like in those brightly painted, floppy clown shoes like I can. I’ve been grooming for that job for many years. It just might be my time to shine.

The sun’s starting to come up, and I’ve already covered at least 3 miles, maybe more. There’s a quiet moment in the early morning, when the sky is almost starting to brighten up a bit, but you’re really never sure if it really is starting to get light. And that is a magical time, as is evident right now. Walking off the road a bit, I went over to a length of an old stone fence, and sat for a moment to savor this daily magic moment.

At this hour, the stars are still there, although slowly fading away. There’s an occasional bird somewhere that notices the change in light, and starts sleepily chirping. A few more birds wake up and join in, just a few at a time. There’s a soft quiet during this moment of the morning, one which, if you pay close attention, can give your soul the refreshment it needs. All you need to do is just pay attention and listen closely. It’s there, it’s always there, and will continue to be there after you and I are gone from this earth. It’s one of the things you can always count on, just like death and taxes and horrible breath after a night of heavy drinking.

I should have stayed, but I couldn’t. I’ve needed to go for a walk like this for a long time, and it’s long overdue. It was my right, and I’m taking it. It’s not that I wasn’t cared for, or un- loved before I left, it really wasn’t like that at all. I had friends and family surrounding me, doing whatever they could to keep my spirits up during difficult times. That’s what friends do, they lend a hand when they can- even when they really don’t want to. They force themselves to behave in a kind fashion, so they can get that warm fuzzy feeling deep inside because they still have something to give the world. More power to them, if that’s the case. I’ll take all the help I can get. Or so I thought.

Like so many things, times change, people change, your surroundings change, but that’s cool, that’s the cycle of life. Some changes are good, others are not, and there’s not a heck of a lot you can do to de- change things when they go badly. Change for the sake of change is a foolish man’s daydream, one that usually has dire consequences. You get yourself all worked up about making a big change, to see that wonderfully green grass on the other side. And when you finally gets to see it, you soon realize that it’s pretty much the same stuff you’ve been mowing all these years. Imagine that- what a perfectly wonderfully illusion. But you fall for it time and time again.

Fools. The world seems to be filled with fools anymore. So many bridges are burned along the way to get to that grass, that when it turns brown, there’s nothing left to return to. So, as a result, there’s a hell of a lot of foolish men walking around, feeling like lost little children, without the spine or God- given common sense to realize just how badly they’ve messed things up. But, since they’re fools, they’ll never realize the errors of their ways, and will eventually repeat this same thing again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But when things change for the good, sometimes it’s hard to see that as well, that things have changed for the better. It’s always the bad things that get the attention paid to them, like misbehaving children. The good one, the quiet one, the one that does everything that’s asked of them- they might as well be totally transparent, since that’s their effect on the world around them. Or so it seems anyway.

Since they’re always perfect, there’s never the suspicion that they will some day snap and go flying off into Opposite From Normal Land. And when they do snap, it’s typically bad news, you know? I mean, the eruption is always huge and the damage can be terrible. I think it’s a good thing that they do erupt from time to time, if nothing else, just to know they’re human.

Me? I don’t know which one I am. I’m probably a mix of the two, with a few more odd bits thrown into the mix, just to keep it interesting. I really don’t mind not being one or the other, since categorizing people like that can do some pretty heavy damage, you could spoil any chance of being known for who you really are. The Stupid Fat Kid can also be the Intelligent and Loving Kid, and to categorize him as one or the other is an injustice. There’s a duality to everyone, and I think it’s best to let all the facets be visible. I don’t think anyone’s just one thing, they’re a combination of good and bad, smart and stupid, and everything in between. What better way to showcase someone than to stick it all out there for the world to see, and let people form their own opinions. Refer to people by their name, not as who they are, what they look like, and not what you think they are. Really, I think most people are smart enough to think of that all by themselves. Well, at least that’s what I had hoped.

The day’s journey wasn’t very far, although the journey itself was rewarding. I had a chance to think about things at a deeper level than before. I was too wrapped up in the day to day insanity I called my life, and never had the chance to really stretch out and think about things. It’s hard to precisely plot your course on a map when you’re juggling 5 balls, you know? You end up taking it as it comes, ducking and swatting and making the best of the many things that are flying right at you. And, as such, you can do pretty well for a while, based on past experience.

But, when something new comes along, all hell breaks loose. Since you don’t have enough time to think things though, you can really screw up by just tossing out a bad idea and running with it, hoping for the best. But the best is not the usual result.

Usually, it’s done nothing more than to complicate things and mixed things together so much that you can’t figure out when one thing ends and where another things starts. Usually, this sort of mess happens when it’s about something important, which comes up in the middle of other important things. You can’t divide yourself up in order to give fair time to everything, so fast choices are made, and you live with what happens.

I should have stayed, now that I think about it, since I did have it pretty good, all things considered. But I’m grown up, I made my decision, and I’m sticking with it. Like a rail riding bum in the old days, I am officially packing my few belongings into a bundle on a stick, and I’m heading off to join the circus, or maybe I’ll travel somewhere close by, but different. A new place, with new people and faces and voices.

There’ll be plenty of new smells and new experiences just waiting for me when I get there. I’m going there, slowly but surely, I’m going there to settle down for a while. I’ll soon arrive there, ready to see what awaits me there. Wherever the hell there is. I just hope I know it when I see it.

And I hope and pray that it’s better than what it was just yesterday.

Walk 3

Me and my big mouth

Just as I was about to slip quietly through the door, I heard someone whisper my name. I glanced about, and saw a pair of eyes with a sad, pleading look in them. “Please, take me with you” a voice said.

“Oh Christ, why I did I open my mouth and say anything to you?” I muttered to myself.

Bill. Why did I tell Bill about today’s walk. “Damn it Bill, these walks are for me, not you, not for your company. You couldn’t keep pace with me, and you know it.” “Please- take me with you, just once, just today, take me with you, I need to go with you” he pleaded again.

I had made the mistake of telling this frail old man of my long walks, out of boredom I guess. I sensed he too was bored last night when we talked for a bit, and thought he’d enjoy hearing about yesterday’s travels. And now, all of a sudden, he thought I needed him as a traveling companion. I should have remained silent about my walks, keeping them a secret all to myself. Besides, they were for me, not to share with anyone else. Dragging someone else along would spoil the serenity my walks provided me.

“Bill, you can’t come, you just can’t. I can’t slow down so you can keep pace with me, I’ve got to travel at my speed, in any old direction I choose, and I can’t be responsible for you. I’m sorry Bill, but that’s the way it has to be.”

The look in his cloudy eyes was almost heartbreaking, and I could have sworn they started to tear up. I emphasize almost, buy I was determined to do things my way without compromise.

“If I can’t come with you today, I might not get another chance..” his voice trailed off with a wheezy sputter at the end.

“Goddamn it Bill, if you want to go, make your own plans and do it on your own. You’re a grown man for Christ’s sake.”

I turned and quickly walked out, grabbing an apple off the table as I made my way through the door. I thought I heard quiet sobbing as I walked down the hallway, but I couldn’t be concerned with anyone else anymore. Not today, not ever.

The sky was filled with low, gray clouds today, which made the top of the mountains in the background almost invisible. I found himself whistling this morning as I traveled along, a non-descript tune, but it was something to add a little ambiance, a little feeling to the day’s journey.

I was thinking about having to leave Bill behind today, since last night, I almost decided to invite him along. But with his shaky, spindly old legs and his clouded over, almost blind eyes, he would have held me back a great deal. I was on the road for myself, not to give a guided walk to someone else, much less a crippled old man. I figured that there may come a day when I might consider taking someone along with me, but not now, it was too early in my travels. I dug for my old pocketknife,  took the apple out of my pocket, and sliced off the skin as I walked, leaving twisted peels behind me along the way. Slicing off slender pieces one after another, I savored that tart sweetness that I’ve loved all my life. If you take the time to eat an apple with such a small portion at a time, it seems to last forever, which is sort of how I enjoy life.

The best way to enjoy it is one small slice at a time, savoring each piece until the flavor is gone, then go right ahead and take yourself another slice. That way, nothing, not even the smallest thing, is lost or overlooked by gulping it down. When I finally reached the last slice, I winged the core out into a field, and seconds later, a squirrel scampered after it. I suppose that even when you’ve wrung all of what you need out of a day, there’s always a little bit more that’s useful, either to you, or to someone else, so I try to eat even the core sometimes, when I haven’t yet had my fill. You should try to wring every bit of goodness out of each day. So many people chuck the core away before they’ve eaten all there is to eat, and to me, that’s just not the best way to go about these things.

The fall leaves crunched beneath my feet, the only sound at all in the air, other than my occasionally off- key whistling. Fall.. it’s my favorite time of year. It’s strange, since it symbolizes death, the end of life for a while, which made leaving Bill behind more sensible. Death is the last companion I wanted walking along with me today. It’s been making too many appearances around me lately, and I swore to do everything I could to avoid it.

It’s strange how time seems to stand still when your walking alone, with no one else in view. My footsteps pound out a steady cadence, not intentional at all, but it had it’s own rhythm. It’s neither fast nor slow, but a natural pace, one that affords me the feeling of forward progress, but slow enough to enjoy the scenery passing by.

That’s the problem with the world these days. Everyone wants things right now, without having to work for them, or to wait. Everyone’s in such a damned rush that they forget to glance out the window to see what it is they’re speeding by so quickly. Everything has it’s own pace, and for me, it seems like the slower everything goes, the better. When they move too quickly, it’s sometimes destructive. Streams trickle slowly, breezes blow by slowly, and if the streams go too fast, the land floods, precious topspoil is washed away, the river banks erode away. The same goes for breezes- it’s good when it’s gentle this time of year, but if it blows by too fast, it tears the trees out of the ground by their roots.

My pace today, the speed of my steps, seem to be in perfect harmony with the world around me for some reason, and I can almost feel nature reaching out for me, walking hand in hand with me through it’s beauty. It sounds queer, but I’d not always been this way. I’d been one of the rushers in life, one of the frantic sprinters who’s only goal was to get to the next day as soon as possible. Thankfully I realized what I’d been doing all these years, and made an effort to slow down. And you know what? It paid off handsomely.

I now had the world wrapped around me like a favorite, worn thin flannel shirt, now that I’d slowed down to a more natural pace, and I’m grateful I decided to see how this would feel. It feels good, and it’s a shame others can’t find this pace for themselves. I guess it takes something drastic to happen in one’s life to force you to stop dead in your tracks, and take stock of things, and deciding what’s really important in life.

A flock of geese flew by, high overhead, their honking almost drowned out by the steady pace of my feet in the leaves crunching beneath my shoes. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how they fly from one end of the country to the other, year after year, folllowing the same invisible highway as the many generations before them flew. That always seemed mighty magical to me, and I’ve pondered it yearly since I was a young lad.

They’ve got their own destination in mind, and they too take their time in getting there. If they chance upon a field of corn that’s been plowed under, they’ll stop in unison to feast and rest for a while, until the invisible ticking clock inside forces them to continue to their destination. I suppose people are the same way, exept they get to the point that they eventually ignore the ticking of their own clock. I reckon that’s true in my case, although it was more or less forced on me instead of it being a natural thing.

The sun is starting to get low in the sky, so it’s time to head towards shelter for the night. You know, It’s funny how, over the course of the year, that the changes in the length of daylight is hard to see as it changes. It seems to sneak up on you real quick- like, and if you’re not paying attention, you’ll be stranded in the dark before long. You can still make your way in the dark, although it’s slow going and might lead you off the trail you’re following.

But today, I was pretty much aware of the world around me as I passed through the day, and tonight I’ll be sheltered nicely from the cold, fall winds that are sure to come. I should be reaching a place to rest before too long, and I know I’ll sleep well tonight. It was a perfect day for a walk, and although I’m feelling tired and my feet ache a bit, it feels good somehow, real good.

The world, except for Russia, is happy about this guy making it into office.

I was digging through photos of people around the world, seeing photographs of people reacting to his victory last night. And all across the board, all around the world, there are people SMILING. Not a quick smile as a reaction to something, but a deep seated, I am really happy right now sort of smile. World leaders are using this election as a vehicle for patching up bad relations with America.

One country leader after another said things along the lines that they’re happy Americans have shown that they can affect change, that they needed someone they can believe in and trust, that they’ve elected someone with intelligence and grace,  a man with a commanding presence, a man they think they can have much more meaningful conversations with than Bush and company. They’re happy to see that Americans disprove of what America represented to the world for the last 8 years.

The world, no, really, pretty much the world just changed last night. For the better.  We have not just a new president, but a new leader. A decider with enough intelligence and sense to decide things.

We have a new and greatly improved Decider.
Decider 2.0

I can’t help but to feel proud of the people in America. However it was done, people got together and worked hard for an important, common goal. The election of this man to office won’t erase the evil and bad karma of the last 8 years, I honestly don’t think that can, or will, ever happen. But this man has just stepped up to the plate to tackle the worst mess I dare say, that this country has ever been in. I mean, we just elected an ANTI WAR guy in the MIDDLE OF WAR! As far as I can think, I don’t think we’ve ever done that before.

Hope. The man has just given all of us an amazing gift, the gift of hope, real hope, at a time where so many people have lost hope, or are standing at the edge, ready to tumble into the darkness of despair. Barack’s Hope is not a dimwitted, hollow, and empty half hearted speech to tell us that everything’s gonna be fine, just for the sake of making the effort to at least look like he’s concerned.

Real Hope. We can all feel it. It’s tangible, it’s in the air. And it’s not just here, but it’s world wide. The world is joyously celebrating the man we just elected, against all odds, to the most powerful position in the world, the President of the United States of America.

Tonight, when my wife gets home, I’m going to do something I haven’t been able to bring myself to do ever since George W. Bush declared we were at war with Iraq.
I’m going to unfold our flag of the United States of America, I’m going to attach it to the pole in front of our home, and display it again, with pride. I have wanted to do this for quite a few years, but I just hated what this country had turned into, as far as our countries values and reputation in the world. Don’t get me wrong. I love this country, and always have. What I hated is what a group of evil, greedy ideologues had turned this country into. We deserve better than what the last 8 years has given us.

Tonight, our flag will fly once again, and finally, after too many years of absolute heartbreak at what she had become, I’m happy, genuinely happy, to be an American, and thrilled to know that as of last night, we’ve got someone at the helm that will put us back on track. All I ever wanted from a President is the America that is promised to me by my country.

Last night, the world just changed for the better.

Life imitates art?

When Barack first appeared on the horizon, I pondered if this country had advanced enough to put a black man in the white house. Then I thought that it had to be true, we’ve come a long way as far as racial issues in this country. It couldn’t possibly be that people in this day and age would harbor ill feelings for a candidate that has black skin. Certainly there are still a lot of people in the South that were still of the mindset that blacks were subhumans. But I never, ever thought it could be this big a number.
One in three. One in three Democrats mind you.

Mind blowing.

Deep-seated racial misgivings could cost Barack Obama the White House if the election is close, according to an AP-Yahoo News poll that found one-third of white Democrats harbor negative views toward blacks — many calling them “lazy,” “violent” or responsible for their own troubles.

Full, disturbing article is here.

I have a feeling we’re screwed again.

So.. with all the sites I currently own and run, why a new one? I have a web site set up for all the artwork I’ve done over the years, from 3D to animations to videos to music to fractals. I built a separate site to work as a place where artwork for sale can be found. And yeah, I know, I really need to update that site and list the artwork that’s been accumulating here in my home. I built yet another site to promote the art scene in the Knoxville area, which is more of a service to the community, even a blog hosting links to the cool, strange, weird, and amazing that I’ve found online. You can get an idea of who I am, what I’m all about, but you’d be guessing a great deal. On all these web sites I run, you’ll find very little about me, personally. So, this new site, bearing my own name, will fill that vacancy in my online presence. Now you can get to know me, the guy behind all this stuff.

I have a lot to say. It may not be what most people want to hear, as I’ve never been known to sugar coat reality in order to make it easier for others to swallow. I’m opinionated and outspoken, and who knows, you might just learn something- about me, about the world around you, about yourself, about life. Crazier things have been known to happen.

Pop in now and then to see what’s going on, my life as I know it is off the wall and crazy, it’s certainly never boring. I hope to share my life, or what’s left of it, with those interested in keeping tabs on me. I’m facing some intense medical issues in the future, which seems to have been my life story when I hit the ripe old age of 35, and things have been piling up and getting complicated ever since. There’s a myriad of things gone wrong or going wrong, and it’s starting to slow me down quite a bit. For the record, as I start this blog, I’m 51 years old, I’ll be 52 on April 16, 2009. Mentally, that just can’t be correct, as I’m still just a big kid inside, but physically, there are bad days where I exceed that age by a few decades.

Some days are bad, some days are real bad, some days I can get through without too much struggle. I won’t go into that now, you’ll pick up on it all eventually, so I’ll leave it at that for the time being. I need to think through how best to present it all without it becoming maudlin, or sad, or needy, or coming off as an attention whore. I’m not about that at all. I’m one of those people that are too stubborn to ever give up, or give in, and I honestly have no room in my world for sympathy. We all have our burdens to bear, and you’ve certainly got more important things to do than to feel sorry for me.

Since I lead a somewhat secluded life, partly by choice, partly out of necessity, I don’t get out into the world that much. I try to head out on the first Friday of every month and hit a few art galleries to see new artwork and meet fellow creative types. I’ve found the online world to be an amazing outlet, it’s never going to replace face to face interaction with people in meat space, but it does fill out my life. I’ve met some of the coolest people through the online world, some I’ve grown very close to, and some I’ve even been able to meet face to face and exchange hugs. What you’ll find here is me, being me, being real. If you follow along on this journey, expect to laugh, to share my frustrations, to share my fears, my desires, my yearnings, my personal heartbreak of what’s to come, and profound sadness when reality starts to sink in.

For the first time, I’m going to allow comments on one of my sites, so I can interact with others that take the time to read my words and thoughts. You can reply at the bottom of each post, or you can always hit the link in the sidebar marked Contact to get in touch with me if that’d be easier for you. All I ask is to treat me and others with respect, and I shall return respect.

I’m Steven, but please, call me Steve, and welcome to this new open chapter in my world.